When I was a little girl, I was afraid to try things. I was really afraid. Afraid that I would fail. That I would fall down. That people would laugh at me. That I wouldn’t get it right. and then what? What would I do if I didn’t get it right?
I didn’t know. But I was incredibly terrified of trying new things. I hated when people watched me. I didn’t want to play sports, I didn’t want to play games in gym, I didn’t want to raise my hand in class.
I played with a girl down the block from our house, she was my best friend. She had siblings, both older and younger and they all had 10 speed bikes. They rode them all over the neighborhood, and I was so jealous. I wanted a big kid bike really badly. I wanted the freedom that seemed to come along with having such a bike.
My parents bought one for me as a birthday gift. It wasn’t fancy, and was probably a cheap off brand, that caused me to feel embarrassed by our lack of money, (because this was another way that I felt like I had failed in, even though it obviously had nothing to do with me) but it was my big kid bike nonetheless.
I was terrified to ride it.
It was so tall. What if I couldn’t do it? What if I fell off? I don’t think I had a smaller bike prior to this. It was my first bike, other than a tricycle. I had no knowledge of my own balance, I didn’t trust myself. What if I fell down and broke something? What if I couldn’t stop? what if…..
My dad spent days trying to coax me to ride this thing. to teach me.
He is a very no-nonesense kind of guy. He didn’t tolerate my fears very well. He is very fond of saying “who gives a shit!”.
"get on it. if you fall, you fall, you try again. big deal. now get on".
This type of talk clearly didn’t work with my child self, because I still refused to get on that bike. No matter how angry he got with me about my nonsensical fears.
Eventually he was so done with me, and he took the bike away. He hung it up in the garage, so that I had to look at it all the time and be reminded that I didn’t want to try, and I couldn’t get it down myself if I had wanted to.
It hung there for a whole year.
I finally did learn to ride that bike.
and I didn’t fall down.
My dad still says this to me. At 41, while on the phone with my parents to talk about some family thing, I was relating to them that I didn’t want the others to think that I had done it wrong, to have them look at me with condescension or distrust. My dad’s response: “Who gives a shit! Why do you care what they think? Just do what you need to do”.
Even after all that I have done in my life I still have a fear of failure.
But I desperately don’t want my kids to be in this same state. I want them to try new things. I want them to do and to live.
because of them I dare.
I want to show them courage.
For my 40th birthday jeffrey and I went to Las Vegas. We've been a handful of times, mostly for business, but this time was for pleasure. We stayed at a fancy resort and slept in with the blackout shades, rented a cabana at the pool and slept in the sun, eating nachos and drinking margaritas. We also went to see the latest Cirque Du Soleil show. We’d seen all of them over time and were excited to see this one.
I had no idea until we arrived for show time that Jeffrey had reserved front row tickets.
Middle front row. in this very suspicious looking love seat.
When the ticket gentleman took our tickets to direct us to our seats, he made some comment about having the best seats in the house and winked at me.
…. what…. ???
We sat down and instantly I grew suspicious.
As the actors and acrobats came out to walk the audience before the show, we were obviously a target for them to greet, sitting middle front row.
As they walked by more than one of them shook my hand and winked at me.
I started to sweat and shake. This was not a good sign.
Halfway through the show I was taken up on stage. My worst fear was realized when that clown decided to look into the audience and peer around as though looking for a willing participant. I wasn’t willing, nor smiling, nor looking to be taken up there, but grab my hand he did and up I went.
Jeffrey recorded the entire skit where I sat in an electric chair, supposedly to be electrocuted by these two bumbling clowns when I turn the tables on them and pull the trigger on them instead.
They embarrassed me first by making it seem as though I was farting when I took a bow, and pretending to make out with me all the while pulling a giant bra from inside my shirt.
I walked off the stage unscathed though feeling incredibly shaky.
I sat through the rest of the production with incredibly shaky legs and feeling like I could vomit at any second.
But otherwise, I was whole and everything was intact.
I made it.
I made it through it.
I did it and nothing happened, other than a little public humiliation and some laughs at my expense.
But I made it.
My children LOVE, seriously LOVE to watch this video.
For them, I would do anything.
Show them that you can have courage and try something.
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When I want my kids to try something new, I don’t talk to them about failure. I don’t indulge their fears in that way at all. I don’t tell them “who gives a shit”.
I don’t ask them what's the worse that can happen.
I show them that it is okay to be afraid and to do it anyways.
When Halle was young, on her very first basketball team all those years ago, and she needed to ask her coach something, she was terrified to talk to him. He wasn’t an outgoing smiley kind of guy.
I held her hand, we walked up to him together before practice. I calmly told the coach that Halle had a few questions about some things and was nervous to talk to him. Thankfully, he was kind and looked to her instead of me and proceeded to talk to her about her things and eventually coax her questions out of her.
She never needed me to hold her hand again. She talks to coaches, teachers and other adults all the time.
I just showed her that it was going to be okay.
See? This is what you do. You take a deep breath, pick yourself up and walk over and do it.
When I wanted her to do some private athletic training, she was anxious about it.
So I did it with her. This is how I got into crossfit. We started working out together, doing all the things. I was terrible at it. I didn’t know how to jump rope, I didn’t know how to do a proper summersault. I didnt know how to do a cartwheel. I couldn’t climb a rope. But I learned how to do it all with her. My lack of knowledge gave her confidence. She was better at things than I was. I challenged her when it was discovered I was better than her at some things. She wasn’t so afraid to try the new things because I was trying them too. and laughing at myself when I fell down.
I started yoga the same way. I kind of wanted to do it too anyways, but I really thought it would be good for Arianna and her dancing. She wanted to improve, I wanted her to be able to destress. and thought that yoga would be a good place to try.
We did it together. She is WAY more flexible than I am. She’s been a dancer since she was 7 years old. Me, not so much. ha.
She isn’t nervous to walk in there alone anymore.
In fact, she isn’t really too nervous to go and do anything alone anymore…..
She’s done so many things now… including going to Germany on a school exchange, a trip to NYC with school, not to mention going college.
This last spring we were in Hawaii. I knew the kids wanted to try surfing. and honestly, having been trying all of these other things with them, taking risks, I wanted to surf too. I set up ahead of time for the lesson for all 5 of us, and asked for them to take photos and video of us. So we could all do this adventure together.
We tried something new, all of us, took a risk together. We paddled out together, we all fell off together, we all laughed together.
We had the time of our lives.
Trying to teach them to take risks, and to face their fear of failure I may have lost some of my own. They encourage me too. I want to have more courage and live. So I do.