The number one thing we did to bring our family closer together:
We started to eat dinner every single night at our table.
That one single change. That one thing.
I won't lie and say this change was easy. It didn't go without grumbles and complaints from almost every single one of us. We were used to our life and how we did things. But no one was angry that we were doing it, it was just inconvenient when we were used to having that time to do something, anything, else. But honestly none of the other things were as important as this thing, this time spent together.
Prior to this, with our super busy lifestyle we made a home made dinner on most nights, but we rarely ate dinner at the table. A lot of the time it was eaten in the living room, while doing homework or watching TV. And not always together at the time same time.
I can give a lot of excuses about why we didn't do this before, but ultimately none of them makes a difference in how it looks, it was a really bad habit and one I am super happy that we changed.
I think a lot of people know it's bad, not eating at the dinner table and allowing it to happen probably fills a person with a lot of shame. I mean, we are filled with all of the parenting advice and family advice and kid raising advice from all the places, magazines, tv, doctors offices, friends, extended family.... but ultimately the decisions and choices are made at home. I think we've all heard that you should eat dinner at the table every night. But I don't know how many people take it seriously. A lot of excuses are made about why families don't do this. All I want to say is that every family, or parent, has to make the right choice for them. No Shame in that. This is something that we changed and with the results that we had with doing it, I would highly suggest others do the same.
I think we hear from older generations that it is important to eat at the table. Older generations didn't have tv and all the distractions that we have today. Yet, you see all of those iconic photos of people eating TV dinners while watching the moon landing, or some famous black and white sitcom.
So we eat dinner at our kitchen/dining table on most nights. Especially week day nights. There is no tv, no music, no phones, nothing but us and the food we were eating. And it isn't the kids sit and eat and the parents run around and do things and eat later. It is literally everyone sit down and eat together. And usually you don't leave the table until we are all finished with our meal. Interestingly, when we started we all hurried through to get to the things we had on our to do lists. Over time we would find that there were nights where we spent way more time here than necessary, just sharing things about our day or discussing something of interest to all of us. This is when the magic happened.
Some nights it is not all of us. With the busy lives of teenagers, it seems that one of them is frequently away from the house around dinner time. Whether it is practice, work or tutoring, about 2-3 nights a week someone is not with us for the 'sit down and eat dinner at the table' time. For a while we changed the dinner time to be a bit later in the evening in order to more frequently hit the time that Arianna was due to arrive home from work. Through a good portion of the winter Halle is at basketball practice and we eat a lot of meals without her, but instead we make sure to connect over breakfast or the few meals that she is able to attend.
Miraculous things happened over the course of the first weeks when we made this change. The kids started to talk more about their days, about their thoughts, their friends, their interactions with other people, their views on things, what they were learning about. They talked about the things they heard and how their saw their lives and the world they lived in. Each of the kids really opened up. They were funny. They talk about their friends and they talk about their teachers and lectures and the funny kid in the back who raises his arms and swings them when he gets excited. They talk about the bus ride and the houses they see on the way to school. They talk about the history lesson and how they found the facts interesting.
As a result, jeffrey and I were better able to understand them, and better able to guide and parent them. We just have a better grasp of who they are as people. We understand what is important to them. We see how they perceive things, how they interpret people and events. We are able to listen to their opinions and how they react to others' opinions.
This didn’t just change our ability to understand and thus better parent each of them individually, it also changed the dynamic with the three siblings. They saw each other as real people, sharing way more with each other, growing together as a unit and supporting each other in a whole new way. They found that they actually liked one another. They respect and admire each other. They listen, they connect and they react.
This transformation in our family has been amazing to watch. Making this change to eating dinner together at the table is one that I would recommend for every single family that I know. Make the time and make it a rule. You won't regret it one bit.
And if you already do this and I am preaching to the choir, Why didn't you tell me this important secret sooner? wink.